04:00 - 20. august 2004

Nye terrorvarsler nå!


Terrorvarslene fra amerikansk etterretning blir stadig flere. Mange amerikanere er usikre på hvor alvorlige beskjedene de får er ment å være. Selv har jeg en del forslag på hvordan man kan bedre terrorvarslene, slik at det er lettere for den jevne amerikaner å forstå når det virkelig er fare på ferde. Derfor ringte jeg Betty Jagodzinski ved CIA i USA.

– This is the Betty Jagodzinski at the Central Intelligence Agency, how may I help you?

– This is Dag B!

– Very well?

– Dag B. Ladegaard from Norway. I’m sure you’ve heard of me.

– I’m afraid I haven’t, sir.

– Dag B. Ladegaard from the newspaper Morgenbladet! I am a fighter for all the good causes!

– Very well. And what can I do for you, Mr. Ladygard?

– I have seen that the terror warnings you have in your country are quite confusing. I was wondering if you could explain them to me.

– What exactly is it that you find confusing, sir?

– You use all these colors. I understand that red is really bad. That’s obvious. But I have trouble keeping the other colors from one another.

– Well, I’ll be happy to help, Mr. Ladygard. Green means low, blue means general, yellow means significant, orange means high and red means severe. Does that clear things up?

– No, I’m afraid it doesn’t. I still have trouble keeping them from one another. You see, orange reminds me of Easter vacation in Norway, because that’s when we eat a lot of oranges. While blue reminds me of the ocean, which can be quite dangerous in Norway. Could you maybe make blue mean high, and then make orange low? That makes more sense to me.

– I’m afraid that we aren’t at liberty to change the order of severity now, Mr. Ladygard. That would probably create more confusion.

– Well, how about a different system altogether? You could replace the colors with pictures of supervillains like The Penguin and Doctor Octopus.

– I’m afraid I don’t quite understand …

– The Penguin means low and Doctor Octopus means high. And the Joker means pretty bad, but not so bad that you can’t smile and have a beer.

– Frankly, I think that sounds ridiculous.

– Okay. Maybe you’re right. Luckily, I have another great idea. Why not replace all the colors with brands of cola?

– Excuse me?

– Coke means a low terror alert and Pepsi means significant. While RC cola means danger.

– I see.

– Or you could replace the colors with famous women. Sexy women like Pamela Anderson mean everything’s fine, while old women like Kathy Bates mean run for your lives.

– I’m afraid I don’t have time for this, Mr. Ladygard.

– Can you just hold on for one more second? I have one more idea.

– Okay. It better be good.

– In Norway we have something called brunost, brown cheese. It’s very good.

– Is that right?

– As it turns out, we have five different types of brunost, the same as there are colors for terror alerts.

– You don’t say?

– We have fløtemysost, mysost, gudbrandsdalsost, ekte geitost and prim.

– …

– So I was thinking that fløtemysost could mean «take it easy», you know? While ekte geitost and prim mean extreme danger.

– …

– So what do you think, Mrs. Jagodzinski?

– …

– Mrs. Jagodzinski?

– …

– Hello?